What Do Men and Women Want in a Mate Overall?

When we think about human mate preferences, our own unique and specific preferences first come to mind. After all, each of us usually thinks about what we personally find attractive and compatible in a partner. For some, that might be a person who is handsome or beautiful in a particular way. For others, it might be a special, positive personality characteristic. Regardless, we tend to think that each of us likes something completely different and distinct.

Beneath that, however, there are certain categories of features that we all consider when choosing a romantic partner as well. In other words, we all pick something unique, but we select from among some standard types of partners and traits. Therefore, by knowing the general categories people evaluate in a mate, you can make better specific selections with your own partners—and be more desirable to others too.

Research on Human Mate Preference

The idea that there are universal ideals or dimensions in mate preference was explored by Fletcher and associates (Fletcher, Simpson, Thomas, & Giles, 1999). In two studies, the team asked undergraduate students to list and then rate ideal romantic partner characteristics. Using factor analysis on the results, the researchers found three underlying dimension that the participants considered when describing their mate preferences.

  • Warmth-Trustworthiness category contained understanding, supportive, considerate, kind, good listener, sensitive, trustworthy, warm, affectionate, reliable, friendly, communicative, honest, mature, stable, romantic, broad-minded, easygoing, and self-aware.
  • Vitality-Attractiveness category contained adventurous, nice body, outgoing, sexy, attractive, good lover, attractive lifestyle, sporty, athletic, confident, independent, ambitious, interesting, spontaneous, good fun, sense of humor, and assertive.
  • Status-Resources category contained good job, financially secure, nice house/apartment, appropriate ethnicity, successful, dresses well, and appropriate age.

Further studies by Fletcher and associates (1999) confirmed and validated these three categories. In addition, they also showed a relationship between these categories and actual partner satisfaction. The more a partner matched an individual’s ideals, the more positively the current relationship was evaluated.
Another analysis of mate preference dimensions was performed by Shackelford, Schmitt, and Buss (2005). The team re-analyzed an older data set, containing mate preference ratings provided for 18 characteristics, by several thousand participants from cultures around the world. Although this research found some similar categorical results as Fletcher and team (1999) above, the larger data set seemed to indicate that preferences aligned on certain trade-off dimensions too. Specifically:

  • Love vs. Status/Resources – people make psychological trade-offs to either seek out a partner who is ambitious, has good financial prospects, and is of high status, or who is loving and attracted to them.
  • Dependable/Stable vs. Looks/Health – mate seekers also look for a lover who is primarily either stable and mature, or good looking and healthy.
  • Education/Intelligence vs. Desire for Home/Children – individuals pick a mate who is either more highly educated and intelligent, or more oriented toward desiring a home and children.
  • Sociability vs. Similar Religion – finally, people seem to either focus on finding a partner who has a sociable and pleasing disposition overall, or someone who has a similar religious background.

Additional results showed that men and women often differ on how they chose to resolve these trade-offs. Specifically, men regularly choose to look for a loving partner, who is good looking and healthy, and wants a home and children. Women, in contrast, frequently prefer a mate who has status and resources, as well as someone who is dependable, stable, educated, and intelligent. There were no sex difference in preference for sociability or religion.

Identifying Your Ideals and Trade-offs

Given the research above, it seems that we all do consider the same categories of features when picking a romantic partner. Nevertheless, each of us has different preferences and makes individual trade-offs among those categories to meet unique needs too. As a result, if you are unclear about what you want and need in a romantic partner, then considering the categories and trade-offs above is a good place to start. Specifically, think about the following:
1) Define ideal partner characteristics. First consider what characteristics you would like within the general categories above. Would you like your partner to have a generally pleasant personality, a more romantic nature, or an easygoing disposition? Do you find a nice body, athletic look, or assertive style beautiful or handsome? Do you want them to have status or resources to give and invest in you too?
2) Decide on preferences and trade-offs. Everyone has a different balance of features and no one is perfect. Therefore, it is important to decide which features are essential for your satisfaction, and which you just like­—but could do without. Given the choice, do you want someone who cares for you emotionally, or provides tangible resources? Do you prefer they focus on their physical health and attractiveness, or their mental health and stability? Should they spend their time on education and career achievement, or managing a loving home and caring for children? Would you rather a mate who is generally social and compatible, or who shares your deeper values and religious ideals?
3) Assess yourself too. Remember, relationships are a trade and exchange. Therefore, potential partners will be looking for their own ideals and making their own trade-offs too. As a result, it is important to evaluate what you have to offer back. How have you made yourself attractive? What is positive and warm about your personality? What resources and skills do you have to share with a partner? Along the way, what trade-offs have you made in developing yourself as an individual and partner too?


Overall, although we each desire a unique combination of features in a partner, we all pick from among the same basic categories and trade-offs. We all work with those same categories and compromises as we make choices about who we will become as partners too. Therefore, when considering what you want in a romantic partner and what you will give in return, it is helpful to keep those basic criteria in mind. Then, decide on the specifics from there.

Originally Published:   https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201511/what-do-men-and-women-want-in-mate-overall

London • Dubai • Tokyo • Los Angeles • San Diego • Rancho Santa Fe • Mexico City • Austin • Dallas • Naples • Miami • New Jersey • Hamptons

Like, Follow, and Subscribe:

Visit us on social networks:

Copyright by Valenti Matchmaking. All rights reserved.

Copyright 2019 by Valenti Matchmaking. All rights reserved.