Many people avoid showing too much affection in their relationships, fearing they might come across as clingy or needy. However, new research suggests that holding back affection might not be the best strategy for a healthy relationship. According to a recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, people withhold affection from their partners an average of five times a week.
This blog will explore why people often hold back on showing affection and whether this behavior could ultimately harm their relationships. We’ll delve into the motives behind this restraint and discuss the potential impact on relationship satisfaction and happiness.
Why We Hold Back Affection: Understanding the Motives
To better understand why people withhold affection, researchers asked 36 participants to keep a diary for a week, noting each time they held back affection from their romantic partners. The reasons for withholding affection varied widely. Some people refrained from showing love to avoid appearing clingy or needy, while others wanted to avoid public displays of affection. In some cases, individuals used withholding affection as a way to punish or test their partners.
However, the most common reason for holding back was to control their partner’s perception of them. Many participants didn’t want to seem overly dependent or emotionally available, fearing it could make them appear weak or too attached.
Is Withholding Affection Bad for Your Relationship?
While withholding affection isn’t always harmful, it depends on the context and intent. In certain situations — like when the timing isn’t right or if someone isn’t feeling particularly affectionate — holding back may be harmless.
However, relationship experts Sean Horan, PhD, and Shannon Carton, PhD candidate, suggest that regularly withholding affection for negative reasons can be detrimental. When done too often, it can mean missing out on the emotional and physical benefits that come with being in a loving, affectionate relationship. These benefits include increased happiness, reduced stress, and greater overall relationship satisfaction. Consistently holding back affection may create distance and misunderstandings, potentially weakening the bond between partners.
The Benefits of Affection in a Relationship
Research by relationship expert Terri Orbuch, PhD, shows that affirmation and affection are crucial to happiness in a relationship. Regular displays of affection have both physical and emotional benefits. For instance, affection can lower cortisol levels (the stress hormone), reduce blood pressure, and decrease heart rate, leading to less stress and better overall health.
An affectionate relationship fosters a deeper emotional connection, enhancing mutual trust and intimacy. When partners regularly express love and appreciation, it creates a positive feedback loop that strengthens the bond and promotes a sense of security and well-being.
Signs That Playing It Cool Might Be Hurting Your Relationship
There are several warning signs that withholding affection could be damaging your relationship. If you’re doing it for negative reasons, like punishing your partner or testing their response, it’s likely to backfire. Using affection as a tool to manipulate or express anger sends confusing messages and can create resentment.
Making a habit of playing it cool may inadvertently communicate a lack of interest in the relationship, depriving both partners of its emotional and health benefits. A lack of affection can cause misunderstandings, emotional distance, and even the breakdown of trust, ultimately weakening the relationship.
How to Stop Holding Back and Strengthen Your Relationship
To stop holding back affection, begin by becoming aware of when and why you’re withholding love, touch, or kind words. Notice moments when you would typically be affectionate but are choosing not to be. Reflect on your motives: Are you acting out of jealousy, frustration, or a desire to punish?
If so, consider more constructive ways to communicate your feelings. Open, honest dialogue is far more effective than withholding affection to express anger or dissatisfaction. Remember, the goal isn’t to force affection when it isn’t genuine but to foster transparency and understanding in your relationship.
Embrace Affection for a Healthier, Happier Relationship
Consider how you can become more open and affectionate in your relationship to experience the emotional and physical benefits of love. Be mindful of your behavior and work towards creating a more connected and loving partnership.
Ready to break free from playing it cool and build a deeper, more affectionate connection with your partner? Let Valenti Matchmaking help you find someone who appreciates open communication and genuine affection. Contact Valenti Matchmaking today and begin your journey toward a more fulfilling, loving relationship.
